My American Idol Experience

Warning: This may lower your IQ

I had been in line for 16 hours at Texas Stadium. I was getting close to the door when the guy behind me punched me in the back and said "Hey, buddy it's your turn". I couldn't believe I was finally going to get my chance to audition. I stepped through the door in slow motion. My vision was blurry. I was nervous and feeling light-headed from the heat and the room seemed dark. As my eyes adjusted, I saw a janitor leaning on a mop, gesturing to me to come on in. I was confused as I realized I was staring at restroom stall doors. At that moment I noticed, on either side of me, two huge monsters that slightly resembled men. One of them poked me in the side with a finger the size of my leg and said "You gonna take all day?" Even though I was in the Men's room, I didn't hesitate to reach into my bag to get my jugging balls.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but we all do crazy things while on the spot. I was in complete denial. I wasn't ready to give up my opportunity to perform ... just in case this was some sort of American Idol test. I began tossing the colored balls in the air like I had done a million times before. Juggling was as easy to me as breathing. I didn't have to think to do it. But immediately two balls collided and fell to the floor. So, I nervously continued juggling one ball while reaching down to feel for the others. That's when I noticed a ball rolling under a stall between two shiny shoes. "Ah ha, a judge!"

Then I heard a double-clap come from within the stall with the shiny shoes. "Of course, the judge was clapping for my performance", I told myself.

Now, it's funny how those big dumb body guards become geniuses when it comes to interpreting a hand clap or finger snap. Reality began to seep through my thick skull. I was getting the idea that I was in real trouble and my audition was not going to happen as planned, when King Kong stepped up close to my face. All I could seed was a shirt button. "Wise guy, huh?", the ape genius slurred out of the side of his mouth, as he grabbed my collar. I almost laughed because of what he said, but that was only funny for a billionth of a second as he began to slap my face with the other hand .... forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand ... My head was swishing right and left like I was watching a tennis match. After a few slaps he stuck out two fingers and poked me in the eyes and punched me in the stomach. I was having a really strange urge to laugh as I covered my face with my hands and fell back into the other ape. "Hey, watch where your goin'!", he said. If I had been watching this on TV, I would have doubled-over in laughter, but unfortunately this was the real deal. I was doubled-over in pain. He grabbed me by the collar and began to slap me just like the other guy had. "Oh, very original" I thought.

I was amazed at how I could be thinking of so many things at one time while being tortured by these cavemen wearing suites. It crossed my mind that the big boss, or whoever he was, was still in the stall ... "What, does he have a big screen TV in there? What's he doing in there?" And the janitor, why is he just standing there. Then, I was wondering what the other caveman was doing while this one was working me over ... "Working me over" ... now I'm doing it.

"Whaaaaaao!!!" Sinks, janitor, doors, door, Goon #2, sinks, janitor, doors, door, Goon #2 ... I was feeling dizzy as I realized I was being twirled around by Goon #1, like a fake wrestling match. Oh, sorry you guys, I know this is like learning Santa is not real ... wrestling is fake. So, again, I'm amazed at how funny this is and begin laughing crazily like I'm being tickled by my older brother. Of course this only enraged my torturers.

Next they turned me up side down and began to shake the contents of my pockets onto the floor. "Oooohhh" I thought. I suddenly realized their angle was to charge a small fortune to use the facilities. It was like I knew what was coming next. But, no, wait ... They actually skipped the traditional toilet dunking. Instead, they picked me up in unison, like synchronized swimmers, and begin to beat my head against the boss's door ... as if to be making an exasperated attempt to knock.

The door swung open. The twins grabbed my hair to raise my head for the big guy to see. I couldn't help myself and knew I wasn't helping the situation any by speaking, but, "Let me guess, you have an offer I can't refuse". It was so strangely funny. I could tell I had stolen his next line like in a school play. He was at a loss for words, but only for a split second. Cleverly, he blurted out ... "Me and the boys have been discussing your future." "You have? When?" I thought.

"We don't think much of your juggling career and thought you should take up dancing." "You have got to be kidding me!" I yelled ... amazed at how cliche that was. "You guys have been watching too many gangsters movies!" Well, once again, I did not help the citation much with my remarks". The God Father of the restroom nodded and the big apes, with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, pull machine guns out of their coats.

Now, first of all, I had not noticed win they lit up and only had a little time to wonder where the weapons were during the previous "Two Stooges" episode. Then, once again, how do these primate dumb heads know how to interpret what a nod means. It's kind of like the elephants understanding Tarzan's yell to come and build a bridge across the Amazon. At any rate, I began to dance before I heard any shots. It was just weird, I was doing things with my feet that poor Michael wished his could come back to see.Uhuhuhuhuhuhuh! Bullets sprayed under my feet. "The heck with the Moon Walk ... I'm amazing myself with floating, dazzling, soft shoe on steroids, six inches off the ground!" I wasn't about to touch back down where the bullets were bouncing off.

But, the shooting stopped almost as fast as it started. The machine gun brothers were frozen in amazement like stupid wax figures looking at their fearless leader sitting on the commode. The boss man had his hand up and was kind of smiling. I thought "Uh Oh, here comes a deadly finger snap". "I like your style, Kid", said Mr. Big. I didn't know what his real name was. I could only refer to him in my thoughts with whatever name came to mind. Similarly, I began to think of my new playground friends as Louie and Franky. It didn't matter to me which zombie was which. They both looked equally brainless.

"I tell you whats I'm gonna do for yous." "Okays", I said. Cussing myself for making yet another wise crack, I was waiting for another double-clap. But, no, he began to laugh. Louie and Franky felt compelled to laugh too. So, I looked over at the janitor and he just shrugged. I got nervous and began to laugh along. It seemed like thirty minutes of fake laughing before I could get a feel for what was happening.

"You knows, yous dance reals good, Kid. I'm gonna give you a break. I think I can convince my good friends, the judges, to give you a private audition." I felt fear flush the blood out of my face for I knew from the mob movies, you don't want to be indebted to these guys. I began to back up and turn away as my good buddies quickly pulled me back, front and center. "No no, that's okay, you don't have to do that ... I'll just be going on my way ...", I said. "You don't seem to understand, I'm giving you an offer you can't refuse" ,he said. "Oh brother", I thought. "Why would you want to do anything for little ol' me? Let me guess again. I'm to consider it a favor." Mr. Boss Man looked like I had read his mind once again. "How did you know?" he blurted with a grin. He quickly stopped himself and frowned. "I think you and my daughter, Bertha, will be happy together." Then he snapped his fingers. "Oh no ..." I said as my eyeballs rolled into the back of my head and my legs became rubber.

Well the ESP brothers quickly escorted me out. "Wait, I need to go to the restroom" I pleaded. "We're not falling for your tricks, get moving!" Well, I really did need to go, but I didn't want to make the situation any worse than it was. So there I was, being dragged to I don't know where. I had been beaten, shot at, and had lost my balls. Oh well, I knew I could get some more at McDonald's Playland.

The next thing I knew, I was standing on the main stage in front of you know who ... Paula, Randy and Super Creep. "Wes have a special request" said Louie and Franky, while pointing their guns at the judges. "We'd like for yous to see Fred Flintstone here dance ..." "Uh I think you mean Fred Astaire" I corrected. "Oh yaa Fred Air Starez". "Oh, by all means ... proceed!" replied Stupid Creep Judge.

I began to dance before any gun fire could start. Luckily this time, the Goon Twins didn't feel a need to actually fire this time. Rightfully so, I still possessed the same desire to keep all my toes and still needed to go to the restroom. To my delight, I displayed some more choreography that both Fred and Micheal would die over ... well you know what I mean.

After a while, Louie and Franky nodded and I stopped. "Oh no, I'm acting like a goon", I thought. "Well?" asked the twins, glaring at the judges. The judges broke into fake smiles and thumbs up. Then an eruption, louder than gun fire, filled the building. Cheers, laughter and tears.

I had won, but began to cry because I knew what was next. You guessed it. I was married by the end of the day to Mr. Big's 3,000 pound daughter. I wondered how they knew to name their daughter Bertha before she grew up to be grotesquely huge.

Alice is not happy about my second wife.

Battery makes "Magic Wedge"

Do you guys remember the "Magic Wedge"? I don't remember what brand of shoe it was, but I remember the TV ads. Oh ... actually I think it was for PF Flyers.

Well anyway, I have a Magic Wedge in my shoe now, as I type. My left shoe to be exact. It's actually a AA battery. What the heck am I talking about? Well wait ... don't go away. Let me 'splain".

It started months ago ... yeah I know ... snore ... ZZZZ. I injured my heel, by thinking it was a good idea to jog inside the house bare-footed. I was also doing jumps and touching a beam in the den ceiling. It was exactly working out great ... a great way to get a quicky workout in.

But then ouch! I'd get out of bed and my foot would be killing me. I could hardly walk. So, off to the foot doc I went to find out I have Plantar Fasciitis. He made me some shoe implants to give some support to the my sole. I had to buy "old man shoes" with more depth. I can't wear my favorites shoes :-(

Well, it never got better ... never got better. I went back and had the implant raised. Never got better ... never got better.

I had noticed that instictively I would find myself wanting to stand on things to make it feel better. For example: I would stand on my head ... not really. One day I stood on a hammer handle that was laying on the ground. Ahhhhh. I started thinking how I could raise the sole support even more.

I'm not sure how I thought of it, I suddenly got a AA battery and put it under the rubber pad implant in my shoe. Presto! I've had it in there for a couple of months now. My foot is much better. I even went on a NM 6 mile hike with it in there. I told Alice ... surely I'm the only person in the world that has done a 6 mile hike with a AA battery in his shoe.

Alice sent me this link ... http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=54005

A Trip to Remember

Ok, before you read this, I should tell you we had a great trip to New Mexico. This is just part of the adventure.

Crazy stuff that happened
- Our generator was not working which did not allow us to turn on the coach ACs while traveling. We just about cooked to death in the west Texas heat.
- One of the bay storage doors came open on the wind at high speed. We had to pull over and duct tape it shut. This was a mystery because it was securely locked. Later, I wired it shut.
- We ran out of LP (Propane) and had no heat at night until we discovered we could use electricity.
- Just after driving over a mountain pass, the engine overheated. We had to leave it on the side of the road for a couple of hours and come back ... with the help of our youth minister. We had no phone service ... He just came back to find us when we didn't show up at the camp. It was not fun leaving all that money sitting on the side of the road. I think it might have been the Texas dust collecting in the radiator that caused the overheating.
- We were laughing because we don't have satellite TV in the RV yet. I discovered our TV is only "HD Ready" ... which means ... The picture is High Definition, but the tuner is not digital. Which is no problem if you have an HD satellite tuner. So anyway, we were watching very fuzzy, indistinguishable analog TV ... really just to listen. Then on the morning they turned off analog, all we saw was snow. I just thought that was so funny. We were just like those people I had anticipated making fun of all along. "Well, I don't understand ... I had TV in my RV yesterday". I was looking forward calling those people "Snow Gazers" or "Antenna Heads".
- We took a wrong turn, thanks to our GPS, onto what appeared to be a jeep trail. This is not exactly the thing you want to do in a 40 foot bus. Luckily there was just enough room to turn around. I was not a happy camper.
- But ... the ice maker started working on it's own ... it had never worked before.

2020 Vision

Future 2020 quotes

"You mean they actually dropped this, what you call it, newspaper in the yard?" ... "Everyday?"

"So ... there was paper mail and newspaper?" ... "Why did they have both? ... I'm confused."

"What's network TV?" ... "I'm not really sure what you mean by TV."

"Coke?"

"It's kind of not fair ... We never have a man for a President."

"You know Dick Clark is getting kind of old."

"I'm so tired of LOST ... they just keep adding side plots and flash backs." ... "There was an island?"

"That creep behind us keeps flying his aircar right over our bedroom at 2am!"

"I guess that show is OK ... I just wish they'd wear some clothes." ... "Yeah, it's funny ... "

"Pixar has done it again ... I was talking to this lady and realized she was one of the characters." ... "You know, I was thinking how neat it would be to just sit and watch the movie instead of being a part of the plot. It would be kind of like we are relaxing in chairs off to the side. Oooo we could maybe even eat while we watch!"

"What's a check?"

"You know, not everyone has a personal robot to clean up their room."

"I don't care if your friend Billy has an iBrain. You will just have to wait."

Land of the Lost

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha uh ha uh huh huh uh ha ha ha ah ah!!!!!!!  I'm sorry I can't stop laughing.  Taylor and I were watching Land of the Lost from the 70's.  It' so stupid .... it's just absolutley the funny thing I've ever seen.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha uh ha uh huh huh uh ha ha ha ah ah!!!!!!!  Oh we were just dying!!!!!

Taking the bus

We've been camping a couple of times in our RV bus, and I gotta tell ya, it's really fun. I can't explain how relaxing it is. It doesn't matter where we go either. We are a big turtle. We take our home with us.

We were camping near Weatherford and had a pleasant time just doing what we always do; eating out, shopping, running errands. It's fun to be in a different environment and just live life as usual.

We had the same experience in Burleson ... Who woulda thunk?

Rumor

I think I'll start a rumor. Hmmm let's see .... I know. Jerry Jones is selling the Cowboys.

No .... wait ... It has to be something possible.  And it has to be something I wish to happen. Hmmmm ...  How about ...  the stock market is going to go through the roof next week.  Because the only proven factor that affects prices is "frame of mind". This is sure to work.